Pa-pah!

Oh my goodness, could this really be the end?

I am really rather numb and not sure what to say. I am excited, I am scared, I am thinking "what next?!". It has been one heck of a ride which no one could have predicted or explained. I try and tell friends and family what this is like, you can't.

I will miss our class and even going to school. I am rather jealous knowing that Karla and Katie are going on to finish their Board of Regents, that Elisha wants to get a four-year ITP and Danielle has so many great plans of her own. Wow - what a class of strong women. Impressive!

It has been a blast and I look forward to more learning. It is sad to think the class is dispersing to the four corners, but that is okay -- we had a great run!

Fear of the Unknown Is Monumental. Sign THAT.

Monday morning begins indoctrination by fire. Not candle flame, bonfire.

For reasons I can't explain here, Kim plans on me interpreting several of the classes Monday morning. Last week April told me I'd take the hot seat on day two, now it seems to be day one, second period. Of course I am terrified. She has given me some of the lesson plans for the day which is helpful and yet I still do not believe my skills are up to doing as much as she expects of me. Well, we will both learn in twenty-four hours what I can and cannot do.

It isn't only the interpreting I am panicked about, it is the situation. I am walking into a bee's nest, and me, with no safety gear.

In the past I have joked that "I am very good at saying 'no'." I fear I will be getting better, firmer about this.

The stress which builds up before such a day is amazing. At first I thought my fatigue and lethargy were due to a sugar bomb. Now, I don't think so. It is terror. Pure, abject, terrifying, terror. Paralyzing anxiety. It is the fear of the unknown. One can combat what one understands, what one sees coming. One never sees the sucker punch, the craziness that another can spew from their mouths which they think needs answered, answered in their same twisted, illogical manner.

Do you sense my apprehension?

I will do my my best. The evaluation Kim does on me may not be flattering. Heck, it may not even be accurate from my perception. It may be dead-on. I am not there for her evaluation, I am there for the experience. The learning.

Now, if I could just put this numbness on a shelf and walk away I'd be happy.

Sure, sure, I know it will turn out "all okay". And in the end much will be learned and oh yah, experience will be gained! Today, the day before, I'd like to not think about it. I'd like to be able to gaze into my crystal ball and see the end of the week, what I'm saying about the previous five days, knowing that I did my best and I can breathe.

This coat of fear needs to be hung up. Needs to be buried. This is not me, nor shall I let it rule me. But today, I will be realistic, and I will shift and squirm around inside of it, and I will use it to make me stronger.

Nearing

It was a great holiday weekend with my family. We talked about my sister's wedding in Boston on Memorial Day weekend, my brother's wedding in Columbus and that my Mom turns seventy the next week. We cooed over my youngest brother's seven-week daughter who sleeps, eats and farts. I worked with my Dad in his yard and planted some things, most of which won't make it but we did it for him and his cousin. We talked of my "what's next" plans and options and I didn't get any further in decisions but it is nice to have support and other wheels turning for me.

I didn't miss studying but did miss signing. When with people who don't know how I often find myself flummoxed that I can't convey a request or idea silently and easily. This amuses me, especially that I have so much to learn and still feel like the toddler with unsure footing bumping into furniture. Regardless, if it is a language not known, communication still ceases.

I had a great lunch at a Thai restaurant Monday and my to-do list grew by leaps and bounds. There is still so much to accomplish! That is one thing I like about the language and about interpreting, it is constant growth and learning. It isn't "turn the widget one-quarter turn and move to the next one". It is alive, dynamic and exciting.

Now if I could just find where I misplaced my gnome to help me with my homework I'll be set!

Ouch - make it stop!

But not literally, just slow down our remaining weeks, okay?

Last week we voiced for Robyn. Correction, last week I attempted to voice for Robyn. My goodness, I have so much to learn.

And then today I signed the history piece. Oh....my.....gosh. I told April that I more fully understood why she prefers to go into a job 'cold' instead of having too much information. Up until today I liked everything we did with this piece. Turn-taking signing, explanation about what we did right and wrong, more examples on using space and processing time. Today, because I have it in my head so many times, all that went down the path of "water and sewer". During the piece I worried that I was getting ahead of myself. Immediately afterward I recognized the obvious mistakes, hours later I realized even more mistakes. And what was painful about those is that I thought I did well with them last week and completely missed them today.

Ow! I am grateful for these continuous lessons. Do they have to be so painful?!

What is next?

Well, I have been all over the board and then back again.

Key to my success is to improve as well as maintain my signing skills. One can't interpret what one can't understand/see and the same is for putting it into sign. This is so key for me. I know that Karla and Katie are staying on for their BoR and that Elisha is looking to find a four-year Interpreting program to get her bachelor's degree so she can complete the requirements for the NIC. Sometimes I am a little slow and I am still undecided where I want to put my energies as far as schooling. It is understood that I wouldn't be able to pass the NIC by next June, I just don't have the skills and am unsure where my experience will come from in one year. April, if I am wrong please let me know!! (But I really don't think I am.) I am only moderately concerned about the written exam, although I have plenty of books to read and they are on my shelf waiting for me, for the end of this program!

So, I can pass the written NIC and I need schooling of some sort and I really need sign and interpreting experience. The big thing for me is: where and how.

Even though I've never been a 'planner', I enjoy the wisdom of Karla's Five P's: Proper Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance. So now I am reaching out and looking around. What's next? I love the language and will be an awesome interpreter, with more tools under my belt. Can, that!

THE Day.

Today is the day the fear set in and clamped itself firmly in my breast. Today is the day I again heard the question: "what are you going to do afterward?" And I replied, as usual, that I did not know but knew something would present itself and things would move forward. Today, however, I did not have the usual conviction in that answer. Today is the day I wondered what the hell is going to happen after that first week of May is complete and we cut the cord.

I still firmly believe I can do this and am doing this. I know I need experience, both in signing and in interpreting. Finding the opportunities is the beginning of my quest, but I fear I have lost my compass.

Just a temporary set-back. Just a reminder to step back, breathe and press forward.

Right?

Tick, tock goes the clock.

Okay, I admit it - I must be a geek of some fashion. (Rhetorical 'why' placed here.) I enjoyed the History Lesson exercise we have been doing in the EIP class. To me this is "real world" and a great example of what we may come across in the field. I also admit to struggling with "hearing" the entire message as I try and create a full and complete product. The words that I've missed as I've been signing are scary. I know that with ASL flow comes better listening skills; I don't want to the "that one" that misses things.

On the flip side, I mostly enjoyed the voicing we did in Thursday's class. Again, it comes down to fluency. I think we did well enough with the style of voice needed for a children's story. Again - the things I missed are so key. Obviously.*

The Ethics class continues to be enlightening with various situations we may be hit with in the field. Learning vicariously this way is a bonus. There are so many subtle, yet important, aspects to keep in mind every day.

*"Obviously" was my fun word of the night when I went to Pittsburgh Association of the Deaf (PAD) Friday night. When some of my friends would introduce me to other people there they would add the "hearing" piece of information about me. I would laugh, repeating "hearing" and add "obviously!". One of my friends invited me to the Deaf Holiday Part in November and when I mentioned letting my classmates know he said, "oh no, this is Deaf only". When I queried him on inviting me he said I was okay and that I'd be his "guest", he was my "in" so to speak. That made me feel good.

And so I continue to move forward, with an open mind and open eyes, trying to soak up what I can in the short time we have together. My roommate's daughter asked me my plans for after school as they need to know if I am moving on. I told them that I was sorry that I really did not know yet. We joked that if I could have a Deaf person move in with us I'd be set! I could stay here and continue my lessons, all in one neat package!!

Oh, to dream!