Frozen.

Well, it was another short week and yet I am still frazzled. As someone put it: nothing personal, but you look like sh!t. Guess I look as I feel.

I am in a panic about gaining enough experience and, even before that, the ability to improve my skills. My signing is awkward, my receptive weak, my nerves drying up. We all have our strengths and areas we need to improve. I need to stop comparing myself and begin by taking a solid inventory of my skills.

I am not turning back, I am not running away, just running (in place) and scared.

Am.

And so it begins. I have studied, I have talked with Deaf people. Before I fall asleep at night my mind insists on trying to have signed conversations with these people instead of drifting peacefully off to sleep. Self-sabotage!?! Eagerness?!? A little of both.
I understand this semester is more performance based and it makes absolute sense. I was told that previous students had difficulty with this semester. This, too, makes sense. I am excited, I am sickened, I am scared, I am moving forward. I am moving upward, but that progress is slow. And yet I do keep going. I will not turn back; there is nothing to return to. Every interpreter began at the bottom. Every interpreter continues to improve their skill and learn new aspects of the profession.
My English skills are excellent. My signing skills moderate. I know I am able to do this.
I am doing this.