Oh my goodness, could this really be the end?
I am really rather numb and not sure what to say. I am excited, I am scared, I am thinking "what next?!". It has been one heck of a ride which no one could have predicted or explained. I try and tell friends and family what this is like, you can't.
I will miss our class and even going to school. I am rather jealous knowing that Karla and Katie are going on to finish their Board of Regents, that Elisha wants to get a four-year ITP and Danielle has so many great plans of her own. Wow - what a class of strong women. Impressive!
It has been a blast and I look forward to more learning. It is sad to think the class is dispersing to the four corners, but that is okay -- we had a great run!
Monday, May 9, 2011
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Fear of the Unknown Is Monumental. Sign THAT.
Monday morning begins indoctrination by fire. Not candle flame, bonfire.
For reasons I can't explain here, Kim plans on me interpreting several of the classes Monday morning. Last week April told me I'd take the hot seat on day two, now it seems to be day one, second period. Of course I am terrified. She has given me some of the lesson plans for the day which is helpful and yet I still do not believe my skills are up to doing as much as she expects of me. Well, we will both learn in twenty-four hours what I can and cannot do.
It isn't only the interpreting I am panicked about, it is the situation. I am walking into a bee's nest, and me, with no safety gear.
In the past I have joked that "I am very good at saying 'no'." I fear I will be getting better, firmer about this.
The stress which builds up before such a day is amazing. At first I thought my fatigue and lethargy were due to a sugar bomb. Now, I don't think so. It is terror. Pure, abject, terrifying, terror. Paralyzing anxiety. It is the fear of the unknown. One can combat what one understands, what one sees coming. One never sees the sucker punch, the craziness that another can spew from their mouths which they think needs answered, answered in their same twisted, illogical manner.
Do you sense my apprehension?
I will do my my best. The evaluation Kim does on me may not be flattering. Heck, it may not even be accurate from my perception. It may be dead-on. I am not there for her evaluation, I am there for the experience. The learning.
Now, if I could just put this numbness on a shelf and walk away I'd be happy.
Sure, sure, I know it will turn out "all okay". And in the end much will be learned and oh yah, experience will be gained! Today, the day before, I'd like to not think about it. I'd like to be able to gaze into my crystal ball and see the end of the week, what I'm saying about the previous five days, knowing that I did my best and I can breathe.
This coat of fear needs to be hung up. Needs to be buried. This is not me, nor shall I let it rule me. But today, I will be realistic, and I will shift and squirm around inside of it, and I will use it to make me stronger.
For reasons I can't explain here, Kim plans on me interpreting several of the classes Monday morning. Last week April told me I'd take the hot seat on day two, now it seems to be day one, second period. Of course I am terrified. She has given me some of the lesson plans for the day which is helpful and yet I still do not believe my skills are up to doing as much as she expects of me. Well, we will both learn in twenty-four hours what I can and cannot do.
It isn't only the interpreting I am panicked about, it is the situation. I am walking into a bee's nest, and me, with no safety gear.
In the past I have joked that "I am very good at saying 'no'." I fear I will be getting better, firmer about this.
The stress which builds up before such a day is amazing. At first I thought my fatigue and lethargy were due to a sugar bomb. Now, I don't think so. It is terror. Pure, abject, terrifying, terror. Paralyzing anxiety. It is the fear of the unknown. One can combat what one understands, what one sees coming. One never sees the sucker punch, the craziness that another can spew from their mouths which they think needs answered, answered in their same twisted, illogical manner.
Do you sense my apprehension?
I will do my my best. The evaluation Kim does on me may not be flattering. Heck, it may not even be accurate from my perception. It may be dead-on. I am not there for her evaluation, I am there for the experience. The learning.
Now, if I could just put this numbness on a shelf and walk away I'd be happy.
Sure, sure, I know it will turn out "all okay". And in the end much will be learned and oh yah, experience will be gained! Today, the day before, I'd like to not think about it. I'd like to be able to gaze into my crystal ball and see the end of the week, what I'm saying about the previous five days, knowing that I did my best and I can breathe.
This coat of fear needs to be hung up. Needs to be buried. This is not me, nor shall I let it rule me. But today, I will be realistic, and I will shift and squirm around inside of it, and I will use it to make me stronger.
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