Oy.

I am not a moody person. There aren't the highs and lows of other people; I am even-keeled, on the happy side of neutral. I believe that it will always get better but realize that it can always be worse. Always. However, lately I've not been feeling that sense of stability and right now that is not one more stressor that I need in my nights and days. To go from a rough day being frustrated with myself and then feeling calmer the next day is what I am used to. But for the third day to feel as badly as the first day and to realize that these undulations of mood, like on a choppy ocean, are becoming a regular experience adds nothing to my sense of confidence.

I am so thrilled that I have my car! I like it very much and it seems to suit me. What it gives me now is the opportunity to grab more chances to better myself. I can work more easily having my own ride. I can get tutoring (and am) and I will make signing events happen. I have my Deaf friends and venue and now have a better chance at getting together with them. Yea!

These past two weeks have been good experiences as far as applying our skills and getting feedback. I like how we can see how others hear the message and work the meat of it. I know where my weaknesses lie - everywhere and everyday I learn new aspects of the language and of the skill of interpreting. I panic when I hear the message and am not fluent enough, and not patient enough to breathe and relax into the moment to hear, really hear, the message. Because as I feel I am hearing it, my allowable lag time seems to disappear and then panic begets panic and there I am. Heck, even now as I type this I realized I am not breathing.

In my math class one girl asked what my major was and when I told her my goal her face lit up and said, "oh - how fun!". Ha. That's what I used to think. My mom tells me that on the other side of this I will look back and laugh, I disagree. I simply hope to look back and breath a sigh of relief, pick up the pieces and move on.

That is what I do, move on, move forward. There is no going back, there is the next hill to climb, stand there and survey what I see and what I've learned, make it a part of me, then begin the journey to the next hill.

I love what we are doing and I know, more and more every day I know how real this is getting. April said she will give us the tools to be interpreters and she is. Applying them is up to me. I am trying. Thank you for your patience and experience. Thank you.

Blue . . .

I am so proud of my classmates - they continue to improve and show great progress. It isn't that I am not improving, it is that my skills are so far behind that there is no "catching up" because while I improve, they also improve. And I am not here to compare myself to any of them. I love watching Danielle sign with her enthusiasm but I don't kid myself that I should be there - she has eleven year's experience on me.

Katie went from having next to no sleep last week and missing what Ruby was signing in the Expansions segment and came right back on understood April's message about getting her tax money and going to WalMart for the bigger TV. I was in awe.

I am in awe.

Disappointing Ruby and April is hard to take. Disappointing myself is hard as well. I've never doubted myself in this program. Never. However, this week with a fatigue I am having difficulty combating I heard myself mutter "what am I doing here?". That wasn't a proud moment.

I will continue to practice and study and sweat.

This week's lessons were interesting. I really enjoyed the hand's on approach with our skits and immediate feedback. Every class seems to blur together from voicing to signing to both. And that is quite all right -- we will be doing it all.

Watching April voice frustration to sweetness to anger is incredible. I think I misrepresented myself when I said that I don't feel those things, I think it is more that I don't retain that feeling. It is my hope that when she says we will be saying the clients' words that the affect will come more and more naturally.

Trusting what I see and what I say is essential. I still feel as though I approach each assignment without abject terror because I know that that is not productive and gets in the way. I am not sure I am successful in this; I feel I am. However, I am not the best one to judge that.

This has been a good week overall. And yet, at the end of the week, and sometimes the day, I feel utter fear and the beginnings of the paralyzing effect of that.

Fight or flight? My body feels flight, my mind says fight.

Pink...

I always liked Pink Floyd's title "Comfortably Numb". Don't get me wrong, I don't fit the first part of that, only the second half! At the end of the week I was pleased with some receptive progress made but much of me still feels numb, more like 'paralyzed' actually. And as everyone in class has stress, I have my outside stressors which I don't talk about. Honestly, I think my life is easier than some since I don't have their responsibilities, but there is always some stress. I remember one woman from last summer's workshop saying she quit working during her ITP year. It sounded like a good idea and now I understand the reality of it. What we have to learn in the next eight weeks before we go in the field is daunting. The abuse we give ourselves and the reprimands we deserve from April and Ruby are valid. It takes so much to do this, to learn this, that there is little left at the end of the day or week.

I have never thought of quitting and I have never said that I can't do this. Hm, I may have stated that in previous posts, but it bears repeating. Everyday we get a little better. Everyday I learn another facet of signing and interpreting.

Progress, everyday. Look back for experience, but look up for the goal.

Can.

I was physically knocked down by being sick on Sunday and so much so that Monday I couldn't stand up without feeling queasy and dizzy. Felt badly that the girls got a virtual beating by Ruby and April without me. After all, I am part of the group whose receptive skills lack severely. I was able to slowly climb the hill on Tuesday and the lessons resumed. These lessons I refer to, are also figurative, not just those presented in class.

I know that "they" say that a person should be able to work from their B language into their A language easier than the other way around. And if so, a hearing person should find it easier to go from sign to voice, I strongly disagree. One cannot voice a message one does not understand. And my receptive is still so weak that my understanding isn't part of this equation. Yet. So I see vocabulary and yet can't piece it together to be the message, the "meat" of it. I was so grateful to Danielle for saying she could hear me trying to start to voice (Ruby's graduation class piece) but that I would just get overwhelmed.

Not once have I thought that I can't do this. Because I know I can. People are doing this every day and they didn't walk through some magic portal for their ability.

I will do this.