Blue . . .

I am so proud of my classmates - they continue to improve and show great progress. It isn't that I am not improving, it is that my skills are so far behind that there is no "catching up" because while I improve, they also improve. And I am not here to compare myself to any of them. I love watching Danielle sign with her enthusiasm but I don't kid myself that I should be there - she has eleven year's experience on me.

Katie went from having next to no sleep last week and missing what Ruby was signing in the Expansions segment and came right back on understood April's message about getting her tax money and going to WalMart for the bigger TV. I was in awe.

I am in awe.

Disappointing Ruby and April is hard to take. Disappointing myself is hard as well. I've never doubted myself in this program. Never. However, this week with a fatigue I am having difficulty combating I heard myself mutter "what am I doing here?". That wasn't a proud moment.

I will continue to practice and study and sweat.

This week's lessons were interesting. I really enjoyed the hand's on approach with our skits and immediate feedback. Every class seems to blur together from voicing to signing to both. And that is quite all right -- we will be doing it all.

Watching April voice frustration to sweetness to anger is incredible. I think I misrepresented myself when I said that I don't feel those things, I think it is more that I don't retain that feeling. It is my hope that when she says we will be saying the clients' words that the affect will come more and more naturally.

Trusting what I see and what I say is essential. I still feel as though I approach each assignment without abject terror because I know that that is not productive and gets in the way. I am not sure I am successful in this; I feel I am. However, I am not the best one to judge that.

This has been a good week overall. And yet, at the end of the week, and sometimes the day, I feel utter fear and the beginnings of the paralyzing effect of that.

Fight or flight? My body feels flight, my mind says fight.